If you haven’t heard, the word on the street (like, literally) is that we turned five years old last week. To honor this exceptional number—and our love affair with literature—we asked all of our employees to submit five-word memoir titles.

The response was overwhelming. We received almost 300 memoir titles in 24 hours! It turns out there are a few hundred really good writers in our office.

We whittled down the list to a few (hundred) of our SFW favorites.

That Boy is Wearing Tights 
Frozen Grapes Are My Jam
Who Ate All The Cake? 
I Immediately Regret Wearing This 
My Awkward Salmon, Brody Jenner
Eat Your Vegetables or Else
I Can’t Make the Show
Don’t You Sass Mouth Me
Is It Raining in Arlington?
Sauce on the Side, Please
Where the Slimy Things Are
Kel Doesn’t Love Orange Soda
Will You Love Me Again?
Can You Call Me Later?
I’m Not Grandma’s Favorite Grandchild
My Neighbor Stole My Hamster
Frogs, Turtles, Clams: Childhood Friends
Catch Me If You Can’t
Where Did I Go Right?
Can You Turn It Down?
I Can’t Touch My Toes
Father Wears a Pinky Ring
Is That Bun Gluten Free? 
Who Let the Dogs Out?
The Quietest I’ve Ever Been
Once I Was a Queen
Musical Bratwurst is Finest Taste
Wild Hair Gets Far Ahead
Sea Laughs Sun in Face
Call Me Tomorrow I’m Sick
Be Fun Be Cool Man
Where are the Everything Bagels? 
Is Everyone Meeting without Me?
Quicksand, Are You a Threat?
Was Fun While It Lasted!
That’s Just How She Is
Shark, How I Love Thee
I’ve Been Waiting for You
Bad Hair Days and Optimism
Stop Me If I’m Wrong
Driving with the Windows Down
Living in the Fast Lane
The Answer to the Question
I Promise, It Wasn’t Me
A Pirouette in the Bathroom
Is That Price in Yen?
Let’s Bring the Hem Up
I’m Heavier than I Look
Artificially Flavored Watermelon Chewing Gum
One in Every Color, Please
I Have Been Called Worse
Pat—You in Danger, Girl
This is My Penthouse View?
The Washington Square Park Flasher
Enough Milk for More Cereal
End of Loaf Sandwiches Again?
Are You Diabetic or Not?
He’s Not That Much Older
Tiny Braids and Big Barrettes
Did I Wash My Hands?
Caramel Complected and Gravel Voiced
More Coordinated Than You’d Think
One off the To-Do List
Covered in Cat Hair, Again
Regrets, I’ve Had a Dozen
Hey, How is My Driving?
A Nobody Does It Better
Leaving on a Jet Plane
Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina
My Mom Said It’s Okay
I Thought You Were Joking
Wait, I Think We’re Lost
It’s Not Even Cold Out
Smiles Are a Complete Sentence
I Must Go Pee. Now
311, I Need Heat Now 
I Won’t Eat Pizza Tonight
What is a Sick Passenger?
On Being Allergic to Trees 
I Ate Pizza Last Night
Using MapQuest Printouts in 2015
Mozzarella Cheese in Hot Chocolate 
French Fries: A Love Story
Can I Get a Fork?
What Filter Did You Use?
Tap Water is Just Fine
Don’t Type in All Caps
Maybe, Sure Ok! Nevermind
Fast Times with Papa John
Just Here to Make Friends
Rub Some Bacon on It
Life is Like a Keesh [sic]
The Dingo Ate Your Baby?
Flowers Always Smell Like Powder
Professional Botanist at Your Service
Let’s Circle Back on This
You Sure It Wasn’t Me?
What I Thought I Thought 
Seem to Be a Verb 
Tip Toeing in My Tevas 
Should Probably Get a Haircut 
Still Don’t Really Understand Twitter 
Too Old for This App
Always and Always and Evermore 
Falling in Love with Everyone 
I’d Rather Be Eating Pizza 
Used It, Still Lost It
I Woke Up Like This?
One Hand Clapping is Enough
Jazz Hands: They Aren’t Included
Hello, I Must Be Going
One Day, I Floated Away
A Song for Our Mothers
Get It Wrong, Then Right
The Circle Marries the Square
The Lady Kissed the Tiger
Look at Where We Were
We Were Cheap and Cheerful
The History of Michelangelo’s Muse
Art Not for Art’s Sake
The Renaissance of the ’90s
He Reminds Me of You
The Good Kind of Fat
Demoiselle Cranes Cross Himalayan Mountains
Pots, Pans and Other Triumphs
I Will Have the Nachos
Put Me Near a Vent
Hmmm, Smells Like an HTO
Diamonds Are on Your Neck
Let’s Turn the Ship Around
Guess What Time It Is? 
Hobbies I Never Really Perfected
Boyfriends Who Made Me Snowboard
Go Travel: Nomad or What
Guten Tag, My German Half-Brother!
I Wanted to Marry Prince
The Day I Replied All
The Cat Saw It First 
Care for Still or Sparkling?
Please Pass the Quinoa Salad
What Will the Cloud Think? 
The Bride Wore a Monocle
Eat All of the Food
Waiting for the Next Snack
Why I Stopped Dating Musicians 
Harry Potter and the Memoir 
When Life Gives You Pizza 
Is the Milk Still Good? 
Turning Bread into Toast
Disinfecting Subways for Community Service
Food Alchemy: Muffins to Gold
Grab Me a Cold One! 
At Last! He is Gone
Jessica Never Learned to Lie
Fried Things Make Good Dinner
Cheese was His Only Friend
Well, Now That That’s Over
Have a Minute for Cheeses?
Need Time to Just Live
It Never Stops Getting Weirder
This Has Been Very Embarrassing
This Song Won’t Stop Playing
I Only Exist on Instagram
Learning How to Play Checkers
A Bike and a Backpack
Adventures in My Raccoon Hat
Do Leggings Count as Pants?
Je ne Parle pas Français
Am I Doing This Right?
My Cat is a Unicorn
Soundtrack of my Upstairs Neighbors
An Irrational Fear of Salamanders
A Tree Fell on Christmas
She Had Those Crazy Eyes
Light Eyes and Heavy Pockets
This is Why You’re Single
It’s Just as I Suspected
Birthday Cake for Every Meal
Down for Nothing at All
I Said It Was Fine
Five is Much Too Many
Overrated, Underrated, Just Right Rated
Who You Calling a Lady?
Loves Cheese, Impervious to Flirtation
Shrill at Parties and Life
Gimme Some Sugar No Seriously
Very Hangry and Loving It
All About That Carb Life
Worth the Wait in Line
Don’t Talk Back, Young Lady 
Wanna Be a Gawker Stalker
All I Know is Pizza
Cats Rule Everything Around Me
I’m 76% Sure I’m Right
Waiting For Facebook to Load
Dance Like Everyone is Watching 
Is There Someone in There?
The Oldest I’ve Ever Been
The Youngest I’ll Ever Be
Do You Have Skim Milk?
How Can I Help You?
You Can Keep the Change
I’ll Let You Know Later
I’ll Get Back to You
How Did You Know That?
Are There Any Leftover Cookies?
Please Stop Asking Me That
I Don’t Know Anyone Here
Did You Say My Name?
Running Late, but Almost There!
Hey Look, Mom, No Hands!
Ben and Jerry and Me
Read (All) the Fine Print
Help is on Its Way
Lions! Tigers! Bears! And Girls!
Stay Calm and Wear Glasses
Dressing on the Side, Please
Learning Everything about Everything Bagels
Where the Sidewalk was Repaved 
Can I Say Something Here?
My Fiber Optic Chest Hair
Stop and Ask Yourself, Really?
Tales from a Denim Diary
Party time vs. Nap time
I Stepped in Gum Again
Remember to Look Both Ways
Walked Five Flights to Interview
Better than My Elevated Expectations
It’s Good to Do Good
Why No Chunky Peanut Butter?
Did I Leave the Stove on? 
When Did I Grow Up?
Are You Talking to Me?
Oops, Sorry They’re Not Vegan
There is Life in Glitter
Life is Nothing Without Tacos
Let’s Pretend That Didn’t Happen
What Temperature Did You Expect?
Sorry, It’s a Secret Recipe
Well, That Didn’t Really Work

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